The Real LJ Idol - Week 5 - Oubaitori

[erulissedances]

Oubaitori – Goal or Anathema? Maybe Both

How often have parents wanted, indeed expected, their children to grow up the way they envision? But, as children do, they simply don’t cooperate, stubbornly remaining individuals with their own goals and abilities.

Even twins – as close as any two people can possibly be, grow up to be individual, different people. While Twin A may embrace graphic art as her outlet, her twin might become a renowned author. Both are creative, but they express their creativity through different outlets.

Despite their differences, however, they are inevitably compared to one another. All siblings, indeed most children, go through the comparison routine. However, it can be worse for twins. Twins are more likely to be pushed into scenarios such as, “Your brother excels in sports, why are you such a klutz?” or, “Your sister has been accepted to Harvard on a full scholarship, why don’t you apply there too?” It’s hard for parents and friends to see twins as two individual people. It’s even harder for identical twins, but who often look like mirror images of each other. It’s hard for parents, but if they step back from their children and look at them through a stranger’s eyes, they might be astonished by what they see.

Of course, truly identical twins share a bond with their sibling that nobody else can imitate or identify with. But is it a leg up? Does it give one child the ability to replace the other? Identical twins I have known sometimes took the place of their twin to take an occasional test at school (if one of them was better at the subject than the other). Other twins had fun switching boyfriends/girlfriends in High School (which usually didn’t turn out well).

The twin bond, however, seems to go so much deeper. It’s been recorded that often after one twin gets pregnant, the other one soon finds herself pregnant as well. It’s not a rule, but it’s been documented. But is that the case with all twins? Are they truly one person split into two? Or are they merely two eggs that just happened to be in the right place at the right time?

If you ask any parent of twins, they will always tell you that their children are different people. Although they might look alike, they have different interests, different attitudes, and different goals. In a society that values individualism, as our “Western” societies claim, isn’t that difference a worthy distinction? Don’t parents attempt to find differences between identical twins as quickly as possible to help them differentiate between their children?

As much as many of us may have wished for a twin, or perhaps just a sibling as we were growing up, would we really have wanted it? In some ways, of course. It would be great to have one person in the world to whom you’re closer than any other person, and twins are that other person. But it is almost impossible to truly give each child in a set of twins an equal amount of time with parents and other siblings.

As twins grow up their interests often diverge. That could make taking each other’s places, or merely planning a long-term life together, even more difficult. For instance, what could happen when one twin embraces the kitchen, aspiring to be a master chef someday, while the other burns toast but wants to be a world-class musician (or a starving artist since food preparation isn’t her gift).

What is important, in any family with children, is to love each child, giving him/her your full attention. Every child will occasionally disappoint their parents and siblings. It’s inevitable. Parenthood requires great patience, allowing each child to develop in their own time, and celebrating the highs while offering support and consolation for the lows. Parenthood requires an advanced degree, but the only school offering that degree is the School of Life. Mistakes will happen, it’s the only guarantee. But parents have a lifetime to both make and to make up for those inevitable mistakes, while celebrating each individual child’s accomplishments and achievements. Parenthood – it’s not for the weak.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Agreed! So much truth here!

[adoptedwriter]

PS: I am not seeing this entry as linked to the Idol post.

[chasing_silver]

I knew a few pairs of identical twins growing up and they often would finish each other's sentences and thoughts. But they were all as different as could be. My aunt (by marriage) is an identical twin and her twin is childless and "adopted" my aunt's kids, my cousins, as "her kids". It's interesting. Twins are fascinating to me.

[roina_arwen]

I feel like in our own ways we are twinning this week! ;)

[shirebound]

This is nice, and hits home for me as I've been observing how different my niece's (fraternal) twins already are at age 1-1/2. One is more active and easily distracted, while his brother is quieter and can concentrate longer. They're already individuals and, thankfully, their parents are wise enough to recognize it.

[gwendraith]

My own two sons are as different as chalk and cheese but I'm very proud of the accomplishments of them both. I have twin stepdaughters who were like peas in a pod to look at but they were very different personality wise with one much more an introvert - common with twins, I think. Sadly Jane died from cancer aged 47 in 2018 which was a huge blow to her twin, Josie.

[tinnean]

This was a tough one, but you came up with a very thought-provoking essay. Thank you! (and of course I voted for you!)

[fausts_dream]

This is a beat entry, known a few sets of twins and this seems to jibe.

[bleodswean]

Lol, definitely not for the weak! There is a challenge there to encourage individuality!

[aearwen2]

When I was pregnant with my twins, I was given advice to ALWAYS speak of them as "the boys" or "the girls" or "the kids" and NEVER "the twins." That, I soon discovered, allowed both children to be their own persons and identify with the twin bond to the extent THEY wanted to. My boys were quite different from each other right "out the hatch", their different looks making seeing each as an individual easier right away. They DO have a closer bond as siblings, and definitely having the younger one end up transgendered has been quite the adjustment. But, again, expectations really have no place in child-rearing - except to teach children we as parents expect them to do their best; excellentism is a far better philosophy than perfectionism. I expected them to put forth their best efforts and be contented with the results/consequences of that, only showing disappointment when I knew they sloughed off and didn't try their best.

This is very good.

[muchtooarrogant]

You have such a great ending line! "Parenthood – it’s not for the weak."

I hear what you're saying about it being hard for parents to support both twins equally, but I was a pretty solitary child anyway, so yeah, bring on the sibling twin! LOL It's interesting because my dad was a fraternal twin, but never seemed all that close to his sister. In my entire childhood, she only visited us once.

Dan

[mollywheezy]

I babysat fraternal twin boys and they had their own language with each other when they were little. It was adorable to watch them communicate. They are now in college and are still close. I have a friend who has an identical twin and she and her twin are as different as night and day, don't particularly like each other and live on opposite sides of the world. I am an only child, but even so my mother always compared me to the "ideal" she had in her head which I could never meet. I loved your comment that parenting requires an advanced degree. Very true!

[halfshellvenus]

I agree that it's inevitable you'll disappoint your parents, somehow. I know my mother never really let go of her plans for me to be her Mini-me, even though I had no desire to do so and was not shy about letting her know that.

Not wanting to have too many expectations of who our kids would be was one reason we opted not to find out the sex of our babies before birth. And seeing who they actually became over time was one of the fun parts of parenthood for us! That may not be common, but I'm glad that's how it was for us. :)

[xeena]

I was supposed to be a twin! Sadly though, they vanished in utero. I've always wondered how we would have been alike and how we would have been different.

[banana_galaxy]

I don't think I've ever wondered what it would be like to have a twin, but my parents had friends who had two sets of identical twins, and it was always interesting getting together with them and seeing the differences between them.

[drippedonpaper]

One of my sisters had two sets of twins. For reasons drs. couldnn't discover, the boy twin in her first set, died the day before they were born. Susanna (the girl) is fine though. My sister then learned she has a recessive gene and will almost certainly always conceive twins. She did then have a set of boy twins.

It's fun to watch them grow. They are close, but have very different personalities.

My husband has twin grandsons. They look completely identical. One is now married, but they often go to concerts or camping with the other twin (and friends.)

Did you have siblings? And/or kids of your own?

[rayaso]

This was so interesting and thoughtful. "What is important, in any family with children, is to love each child, giving him/her your full attention." So very true. It brought me back to when our children were little, and I thank you for that.

[murielle]

Wow! Want in interesting examination of twins as twinhood under the Oubaitori glass.

Twins are very special to me. I love reading about them! 💖💖💖

[inkstainedfingertips]

When I was young, I always thought having a twin would be fun just to do the whole switching game. ha ha. I'm not a parent myself, but what I do know is that it is definitely not for the weak and does require patience. It would be nice if family could be as you describe here.

[static_abyss]

You're definitely right that parenthood is not for the weak. I think one of the things the parents I know have struggled most with coming to terms with the idea that their kids are not going to be who they wanted/expected the kids to be. That pesky free will and all.