Writing Woes

 Yesterday was a slow day at the shop...too slow.  But it allowed me to get a LOT of writing done. 

( Text and pic below the cut... )

So I'll pulled in two of my f-list friends from LC (that's my writers board).  I'm asking them to read both versions and let me know which they feel best about.  I have a feeling that I have some major re-writes in my future before I get into the track to to justice to the main character.  It will come, but it's going to be a fight.