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A QUEST FOR SELF-IDENTITY – aka NO TIME FOR BOREDOM
I’m a 70-year-old white middle-class woman with adequate means, a 45-year-old marriage, a beautiful house (older, but quite serviceable for us), and no children (by choice). In my past, I’ve had four dogs and three cats, although I’m dreadfully allergic to cat dander. I’ve got a general BA Degree and a specialized MA in Anthropology. My personal goals as I was growing up were straightforward – a basic college education (my Father insisted on that one), and an appreciation for the arts (a strong point of my Mother’s).
The information I’ve imparted in the beginning paragraph, although accurate, doesn’t even begin to describe the person I am, however. It describes my public exterior – the surface that we all wear like a mask in a play. The mask that we use to interact with other people, whether well known or total strangers.
How often do we allow our complete selves to peek through the cracks, shine out from our eyes, guide our hands, and temper our voices with the correct words to say to others? Do you allow your “real” self to shine through? If yes, do you get support for that aspect of your personhood, or are you strongly encouraged to replace the covering rock once again?
Over my lifespan I’ve experienced both responses. My parents fell into the first category. I can’t claim that they understood me, but I knew I had their absolute support in almost any endeavor I decided to attempt. I also knew that if it required anything from them – money, a place to crash for a day or two, or just a kind voice on the other end of the phone – it would be there.
I married, expecting to receive the same support. DH and I had lived together as students for two years, survived our Comprehensive Examinations and my oral defense of my thesis (his orals and thesis weren’t complete until six months after I graduated). When we lived together as students, he was encouraging, expressed interest in anything I was doing, and seemed willing to throw himself into something new if I wanted to examine it.
But as he aged, and life responsibilities weighed heavily on him – paying for our house (whichever house we were living in at the time), taking care of his aged parents, and being the only “responsible” male in his family for years – his mindset narrowed and the fun person I had married became the solemn businessman I’m partnered with today.
While I was trying to expand my artistic vision into new areas, new trends and new techniques; he was narrowing his viewpoint while erecting a non-physical fence with a single gate that he guarded carefully.
I pushed and prodded myself, and with the help of friends, courses, and teachers at trade shows like the Bead & Button Show, I created - finding out what artistic things I loved to make, and which would be done once or twice and then not repeated. I made lots and lots of artwork, utilized many different types of techniques and media, and fed my creative side – the side that gives me reasons to live.
He, meanwhile, learned the tricks and trade of finance – the stock market and investments. He created our safety-blanket, but in doing this, by worshipping at the Altar of Money, he lost the person he used to be. It was a necessary sacrifice for our security, but it is leaving him isolated now, in his late years, when he realizes he has no real friends and no real activities of interest to him.
I still hold hope that I’ll be able to leave my business behind me and return to the things I love best – making artwork for the sake of the making, learning new techniques, teaching on occasion, and expanding myself through my personal artistic vision.
I hope that in retirement, he can allow himself to expand a bit if he doesn’t have a daily job to go to, but I think there’s an equal chance that he’ll be horribly bored. I guess that’s the kernel of our differences – I’m NEVER bored; there are always a multitude of things that I can do. I’m a multimedia artist and there’s always something that I can create or design. If I’m not designing or creating or writing, I’ve got my nose in a book. Books are my constant companion since I first learned to read. He declares himself "bored" all the time, and relies on the Television or his computer games to occupy his time. I wonder who will die of boredom first? I’m pretty sure it won’t be me.
I’m a 70-year-old white middle-class woman with adequate means, a 45-year-old marriage, a beautiful house (older, but quite serviceable for us), and no children (by choice). In my past, I’ve had four dogs and three cats, although I’m dreadfully allergic to cat dander. I’ve got a general BA Degree and a specialized MA in Anthropology. My personal goals as I was growing up were straightforward – a basic college education (my Father insisted on that one), and an appreciation for the arts (a strong point of my Mother’s).
The information I’ve imparted in the beginning paragraph, although accurate, doesn’t even begin to describe the person I am, however. It describes my public exterior – the surface that we all wear like a mask in a play. The mask that we use to interact with other people, whether well known or total strangers.
How often do we allow our complete selves to peek through the cracks, shine out from our eyes, guide our hands, and temper our voices with the correct words to say to others? Do you allow your “real” self to shine through? If yes, do you get support for that aspect of your personhood, or are you strongly encouraged to replace the covering rock once again?
Over my lifespan I’ve experienced both responses. My parents fell into the first category. I can’t claim that they understood me, but I knew I had their absolute support in almost any endeavor I decided to attempt. I also knew that if it required anything from them – money, a place to crash for a day or two, or just a kind voice on the other end of the phone – it would be there.
I married, expecting to receive the same support. DH and I had lived together as students for two years, survived our Comprehensive Examinations and my oral defense of my thesis (his orals and thesis weren’t complete until six months after I graduated). When we lived together as students, he was encouraging, expressed interest in anything I was doing, and seemed willing to throw himself into something new if I wanted to examine it.
But as he aged, and life responsibilities weighed heavily on him – paying for our house (whichever house we were living in at the time), taking care of his aged parents, and being the only “responsible” male in his family for years – his mindset narrowed and the fun person I had married became the solemn businessman I’m partnered with today.
While I was trying to expand my artistic vision into new areas, new trends and new techniques; he was narrowing his viewpoint while erecting a non-physical fence with a single gate that he guarded carefully.
I pushed and prodded myself, and with the help of friends, courses, and teachers at trade shows like the Bead & Button Show, I created - finding out what artistic things I loved to make, and which would be done once or twice and then not repeated. I made lots and lots of artwork, utilized many different types of techniques and media, and fed my creative side – the side that gives me reasons to live.
He, meanwhile, learned the tricks and trade of finance – the stock market and investments. He created our safety-blanket, but in doing this, by worshipping at the Altar of Money, he lost the person he used to be. It was a necessary sacrifice for our security, but it is leaving him isolated now, in his late years, when he realizes he has no real friends and no real activities of interest to him.
I still hold hope that I’ll be able to leave my business behind me and return to the things I love best – making artwork for the sake of the making, learning new techniques, teaching on occasion, and expanding myself through my personal artistic vision.
I hope that in retirement, he can allow himself to expand a bit if he doesn’t have a daily job to go to, but I think there’s an equal chance that he’ll be horribly bored. I guess that’s the kernel of our differences – I’m NEVER bored; there are always a multitude of things that I can do. I’m a multimedia artist and there’s always something that I can create or design. If I’m not designing or creating or writing, I’ve got my nose in a book. Books are my constant companion since I first learned to read. He declares himself "bored" all the time, and relies on the Television or his computer games to occupy his time. I wonder who will die of boredom first? I’m pretty sure it won’t be me.
Edited (I wanted to get this up ASAP, but realized there were some typos and a few grammatical things that required upgrade. ) 2024-09-28 08:01 am (local)
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Parents that didn't understand you.
I know that one.............
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- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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♥
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- Erulisse (one L)
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I, too, never get bored. Ever.
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You also have tons of different things in the fire at any one time, PLUS you have children, which always make interesting additions to the soup pot of life.
- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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Hubby and I have a similar dynamic--he's the number cruncher, I'm the one out there with my head in the clouds making cookies and planting asters and counting bees. We balance each other.
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- Erulisse (one L)
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I relate a lot to you! With movies, books and music I'm never bored!
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I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been bored. Himself, on the other hand ... well, let's not go there - LOL.
- Erulisse (one L)
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Great entry.
Dan
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OTOH, I'm 10 years younger than you are, but my parents were children of the Depression, and that fear of running out of money never left my dad, even at the end. He would drive my mother nuts with his "economizing", which really wasn't necessary.
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Thanks for reading and commenting. I hope I got your vote as well, it's a tight fight this time.
- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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You must be a sister from a different mother because that's it EXACTLY!
- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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- Erulisse (one L)
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Video games and television can be very invigorating, but if he's bored as he calims, then something is seriously wrong as they should be the thing he can get excited about occpuying free time. If you know... not occupying himself with you, cause 70 is young and can still play! ya know? But hey maybe you can somehow find a way to combine your interests together? A book you loved that's been adapted. A video game you can play together that allows creativity?
AGAIN...
Devil's Advocate!
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We've been playing "Lord of the Rings Online" since beta - that's a LOT of years. He plays every day, I'll play for 6 months or so, then get bored and put it aside, and then pick it up again out of the blue and continue.
I'm artistic - he put that aside when he graduated High School. But he supports my art and I love his acumen with finance. It's beneficial for both of us. Between us we make a rather well-rounded person - LOL.
- Erulisse (one L)